Miscarriage

I've recently rediscovered my blog and came across this entry that I had never published. I have always talked things through in order to understand them. I feel it is important. It's my coping mechanism. Before you read through my thoughts from a week after miscarrying, know that it was rough of course, the sorrow dragged on and I went through the steps of grief. I knew what they were and as hard as it was, I let myself run through each one. The following January I was pregnant for the 3rd time. This pregnancy terrified me. I was scared of the horror story happening again, but 9 months later I gave birth to another beautiful healthy girl!

Thoughts from August 2013:
I am trying to make sense of it all. Why it had to be so dramatic...I guess I should be thankful that it was a one-day thing and didn't drag on. I just can't seem to get the images out of my head.

This is a subject that people don't talk about. But talking through situations and often laughing about them help me get through. I am a control freak...if you know me, this isn't a surprise...and I am yearning to get back to my normal, everyday life. I don't want to forget this happened but move on.

I was in my 11th or 12th week of pregnancy that week. Had just bought some maternity clothes and began to accept that in 6 months I would be holding my second child. From under the pile of stress I had been feeling I tried really hard to be excited about my pregnancy. We had been trying but it was a little bit of a shock thinking about raising two at once. Something I was trying to prepare my mind for.

One evening I began spotting. At first it was very little but got heavier. That night I had trouble falling asleep because of cramping, and when I awoke at 7am, I took a walk to the bathroom. When I sat down, a flow of something abnormal rushed out. It startled me...and then my 2 year old daughter opened the door. I was flustered, trying to make sense of what just happened and then realizing I needed to compose myself so I could minimize the trauma to my child. She asked in a sweet little voice "you okay mommy?". What was even more alarming was the fact that my pajamas were wet. We removed the black sheet from our bed and found a blood soak.

The drive to the hospital seemed like forever. My husband was so out of sorts that he went the wrong way and we drove an extra 10 minutes. Exiting the vehicle was not clean. As I walked into the ER I felt another gush...5 steps later...another...My pants felt like a balloon ready to pop...and the thought crossed my mind that my baby...could be in them.

I can't imagine my husbands thoughts as he followed the blood trail to find me. At this moment I was in a bathroom traumatized again by what I was seeing. My blood...everywhere. I mean, I really fucked that bathroom up. Hamburger sized clots. Me, in shock, trying to clean it up so no one saw it. It was impossible. I had to ask the nurse for a pair of pants. At this point my mind started to double check itself. I began to process things in my usual way. Even thinking funny thoughts at times. This may seem weird, but this is how I handle life's crazy times. And this was some horrific-crazy happening. Nothing this life changing had ever happened to me before.

Over the next few hours I would see many doctors, nurses and specialists. The confirmation that this was in fact what I thought came and I shed a tear or two. I knew what was happening and I knew there wasn't anything I could do to change the outcome. I had a D&C. This was another level of shock. I came in pregnant and left empty. Literally.

Now, a week later I look down at my empty, pregnant looking belly. Angry that it's still here, as if it would be gone a week after the fact. I've got a lot of healing to do. And I'm not sure how the next few weeks will be. I feel okay most of the time, but every night when I try to fall asleep and the apartment is quiet, my mind wanders to all the what ifs. This is when it's the most difficult.

Losing an unborn child is so many horrible things, but I now use this as a learning experience for my beautiful girls. Not a learning experience that They are reaping the benefits of now, but later in life. I hope. I've talked to them about the baby Mommy lost between them. They know what is age appropriate for them. I want them to be the type of people that can talk about these things. That a friend can come to, to talk about the tough stuff. Talking helps many people let go of the restless, heavy inner burdens that come with hardships.

I don't mourn the loss anymore. It did change me though. I am not as fearless. I often think about how this event seemed to take something from me. That fact saddens me more than anything. I never found out anything more about this lost baby, but I find comfort in knowing that our second daughter is meant to be in this world. Now it is just a past event. A life experience. Life throws us so many things. Sometimes we walk into them, and other times they hit us like a truck. What matters is how we move froward.