Best Email Joke EVER!

You gotta love it when someone asks you a stupid question. People do it to make conversation I suppose, not realizing how dumb they've just made themselves look.

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had,an elephant? Since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse I told her no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry - the food is nutritionally complete - so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore

My Rude-aholic Self

Yeah...I have diagnosed myself. Rude-aholic. Most people who know me, know that I do enjoy a few rude comments here and there.

An inner struggle breaks out in my head at times. No, I'm not hearing voices! Basically, if someone is talking to me, and I really don't feel like listening or they're not making any sense, I say things in my head, hoping that person will understand and leave me alone. It never works. Which is disappointing. But I guess on some level I am learning to be patient.

Don't worry, those of you who read this blog are not in this annoying category...most of the time. Ha ha. No seriously.

Some days I just wish I could be outwardly rude. Like tell the person babbling "I don't care." Or "Give me your phone number so we can pretend that I will call you so you can tell me more about this useless crap with your annoying voice and irritating habits."

I can't be the only one on this planet that feels like this! Maybe this is just one of those subjects that people keep to themselves. You know...something people bottle up. While I do occasionally do some bottling of things, I am not a fan of the outcome, which is an explosion of rudeness in it's purest form. I think it's good to just get it out before you get to that lethal stage. Where all you can think about is shaking the person or giving them a good karate chop to the neck.

My problem is that I can't just let it out with people I see all the time. It just wont work. It will make things awkward and anger me more because said people will try to resolve the situation. But the thing they're not taking into consideration is...their whole being is annoying and/or nauseating and that's too difficult to even bother with! Plus, I think I like to be angry sometimes. Like while I'm cleaning, I always clean my apartment much better when I am enraged.

Yeah I know...this is all crap and I should kick myself in the ass for sharing it. You win some you lose some. This is me, but you knew this...you just never knew how deep the rude-aholic disease went. Feel free to stop talking to me out of fear that my brain will use your conversation as an excuse to use telepathic messages to hint that you should leave me alone.

...end of babble

Who would buy these??

Ok, so Sam and I go shopping the other day and as we walk through the mall to get back to the car we saw these. We felt they were stupid enough to deserve a picture. Seriously...why are stores selling things like this?? Who would buy them? Can you imagine the tan lines you'd get from wearing these? Every year people come up with idiotic things like this...you gotta wonder what their mental state is. You'd have to be nuts to spend money on these!

The house I grew up in...

Through the years my Mom's house has become more and more run down. I have plenty of stories about mice, squirrels, mold and more. Don't read the following stories if you have a weak stomach.

Story #1 - Go Nuts For M&M's
I remember a while back when I was about 20. My room was in the basement, so I could hear when the mice were running around upstairs. For a few nights, there was a little more action than normal but I thought nothing of it. I started to noticed pieces of chocolate all around the couch.When I pulled back the cushion I was in shock. There was A LOT of mouse poop! I was so grossed out. It also looked like the mice had played inside the cushions because they were all chewed up in the corners. Lori had left a bag of peanut M&M's on the couch and they had ravaged through it. So I vacuumed it up...it was like vacuuming up a bunch of paper clips. I made a point of telling Lori it was her fault. What are big sisters for?!!

Story #2 - The Cover Up
I was 18, and I had just come home from school for lunch. I decided to relax in front of the tv. Half an hour passes and I start hearing this slapping noise. Like an elastic band hitting the floor. After a few minutes of it, I realized it was coming from the kitchen. So I check it out. MOUSE!!! At this point my body overheats from disgust. When mice eat the poison, they dry up from the inside. It was paralyzed on one side and jumping a little every few seconds. As it did this, it left a trail of blood on the floor and wall. When it stopped jumping, I put a plastic bag on the end of a bent coat hanger and covered it.. It was a nice surprise for my mom to come home to.

Hmmm...I'm thinking this is enough for you to handle for now.

Now to get to my point. Mom made the decision to renovate the house late last year. And it's coming along nicely. Although, the guys doing the renovations aren't the most proffessional...the work they contracted out looks great! The outside of the house is awesome! Siding, roofing, eaves troughs....inside she has new cupboards in the kitchen, a new bathroom, carpeting (It's strange that all that red shag is gone), laminated flooring, a new front door (hence the peephole pic)...Check it out...

Hamilton 2008

I was in Ontario for three weeks. During that time I roller-balded down the beach strip (a paved pathway along Lake Ontario), stained part of a deck, shopped at IKEA and more, picked strawberries, visited a lot of family, went to the drive-in, made good use of a pool and a trampoline, went to two wedding receptions, peeled wallpaper, weeded a garden, went to Canada's Wonderland...I'm sure there's some stuff I've missed.

This is apparently a birth certificate for one of my distant relatives: Way back in the Bahm line, the name was spelled Bohm and Boehm...with two dots over the o. I'm guessing the spelling was changed when they arrived in NewBrunswick.


I think my favorite memory would be roller-blading along the beach strip for three hours eating wild blackberries along the way. We had blue teeth, lips and hands. I realized later, that my feet were also blue. They're very ticklish. so it was difficult to clean off.

Here's a few pics to highlight the fun times