Miscarriage

I've recently rediscovered my blog and came across this entry that I had never published. I have always talked things through in order to understand them. I feel it is important. It's my coping mechanism. Before you read through my thoughts from a week after miscarrying, know that it was rough of course, the sorrow dragged on and I went through the steps of grief. I knew what they were and as hard as it was, I let myself run through each one. The following January I was pregnant for the 3rd time. This pregnancy terrified me. I was scared of the horror story happening again, but 9 months later I gave birth to another beautiful healthy girl!

Thoughts from August 2013:
I am trying to make sense of it all. Why it had to be so dramatic...I guess I should be thankful that it was a one-day thing and didn't drag on. I just can't seem to get the images out of my head.

This is a subject that people don't talk about. But talking through situations and often laughing about them help me get through. I am a control freak...if you know me, this isn't a surprise...and I am yearning to get back to my normal, everyday life. I don't want to forget this happened but move on.

I was in my 11th or 12th week of pregnancy that week. Had just bought some maternity clothes and began to accept that in 6 months I would be holding my second child. From under the pile of stress I had been feeling I tried really hard to be excited about my pregnancy. We had been trying but it was a little bit of a shock thinking about raising two at once. Something I was trying to prepare my mind for.

One evening I began spotting. At first it was very little but got heavier. That night I had trouble falling asleep because of cramping, and when I awoke at 7am, I took a walk to the bathroom. When I sat down, a flow of something abnormal rushed out. It startled me...and then my 2 year old daughter opened the door. I was flustered, trying to make sense of what just happened and then realizing I needed to compose myself so I could minimize the trauma to my child. She asked in a sweet little voice "you okay mommy?". What was even more alarming was the fact that my pajamas were wet. We removed the black sheet from our bed and found a blood soak.

The drive to the hospital seemed like forever. My husband was so out of sorts that he went the wrong way and we drove an extra 10 minutes. Exiting the vehicle was not clean. As I walked into the ER I felt another gush...5 steps later...another...My pants felt like a balloon ready to pop...and the thought crossed my mind that my baby...could be in them.

I can't imagine my husbands thoughts as he followed the blood trail to find me. At this moment I was in a bathroom traumatized again by what I was seeing. My blood...everywhere. I mean, I really fucked that bathroom up. Hamburger sized clots. Me, in shock, trying to clean it up so no one saw it. It was impossible. I had to ask the nurse for a pair of pants. At this point my mind started to double check itself. I began to process things in my usual way. Even thinking funny thoughts at times. This may seem weird, but this is how I handle life's crazy times. And this was some horrific-crazy happening. Nothing this life changing had ever happened to me before.

Over the next few hours I would see many doctors, nurses and specialists. The confirmation that this was in fact what I thought came and I shed a tear or two. I knew what was happening and I knew there wasn't anything I could do to change the outcome. I had a D&C. This was another level of shock. I came in pregnant and left empty. Literally.

Now, a week later I look down at my empty, pregnant looking belly. Angry that it's still here, as if it would be gone a week after the fact. I've got a lot of healing to do. And I'm not sure how the next few weeks will be. I feel okay most of the time, but every night when I try to fall asleep and the apartment is quiet, my mind wanders to all the what ifs. This is when it's the most difficult.

Losing an unborn child is so many horrible things, but I now use this as a learning experience for my beautiful girls. Not a learning experience that They are reaping the benefits of now, but later in life. I hope. I've talked to them about the baby Mommy lost between them. They know what is age appropriate for them. I want them to be the type of people that can talk about these things. That a friend can come to, to talk about the tough stuff. Talking helps many people let go of the restless, heavy inner burdens that come with hardships.

I don't mourn the loss anymore. It did change me though. I am not as fearless. I often think about how this event seemed to take something from me. That fact saddens me more than anything. I never found out anything more about this lost baby, but I find comfort in knowing that our second daughter is meant to be in this world. Now it is just a past event. A life experience. Life throws us so many things. Sometimes we walk into them, and other times they hit us like a truck. What matters is how we move froward.

We'll be Doing Things Differently Next Time

My sister lives far away, so I had this great idea to rent a photo studio and get a friend to snap some family photos. An awesome idea...but didn't turn out like I had hoped.

Downtown Winnipeg has some great places to enjoy. But the place we rented for photo space was not at all what I had expected.

I surfed the web to find options for studio rentals and found what I thought would be a great space. Level 3 Studios. Online, it appears to be fantastic! For $100, we had the space for up to 4 hours.

When I arrived, the place was filthy. Like really filthy. There is a sign that asks that we leave all outdoor shoes at the door. I did this...then I put them back on after 5 minutes crusted my socks with dirt. The beautiful couches they displayed on their website were white in the photos...but were no longer anywhere near white in person. All they need is a good cleaning...really...but we weren't about to sit on them. The one useable space was a white floor/wall. The floor was so dirty, that we have to cut that out of all our photos. This is quite disappointing.

The good things about the studio? We were let in on time, had the use of two photo lights and had our privacy.

Despite the cons, we did manage to make the space work. Got some great shots of our family! But, I definitely caution anyone who wishes to rent the 3rd floor of the studio. Bring cleaning supplies...and expect to do a lot of photo editing.

Every Child Is Special - Mine Is Extra Special

I bet you think I'm going to go on and on about how precious my daughter is. How she's the most beautiful little girl...well, she is...but that's not what this post is about.

Since Calleigh was 5 months old, she has put her hands in my armpits for comfort. Yeah! I know. Weird!! She is turning 2 tomorrow and as I type, she is digging in my pit. Some days I don't mind...but sometimes it drives me nuts!!

I've had to adjust things a bit. Like waiting until just before we leave to apply deodorant. There's been a few times where she's had her hand in my pit and then put her hand in my Husbands' mouth. It's funny for me...not so much for him.

I'm not sure how to get her to stop this. It seems like she does it more when she's got her soother in. So, my only idea here, is doing away with the soother. If you're a parent who relies on a soother at times, you know how difficult it is to part with. For the child and the parents!

When we've been out shopping, walking and playing, I have never seen another child with their hands in their moms' pits. What is this? Is it me? Is this just my daughters' "thing"? Man is she going to be embarrassed when this is what I remember most about her growing up! Although, the things I am remembered for as a child are far more irritating to hear about. Mostly destruction of many, many different things.

New Years - Meh

I've never been big on partying for New Years. I realize it's the end of a year and the start of a new one, but I feel like some people just use it as an excuse to lose themselves in alcohol and nurse themselves back to health the first day of the year.

Now that we have a child, New Years seems to be even less important to me. We were excited when we had our daughter because it was the start of a new beginning for us. The journey of parenthood. Other life occurrences bring on excitement as well, graduation, marriage, birthdays...but they are something to be celebrated. New Years just doesn't feel the same as other special moments in our lifetime.

Yeah sure, I get that it's the start of a new year. A time where people make unreachable resolutions, just so 90% of them can make the same one again the next year. I laugh at these people. New Years isn't the time to do this. We need to make life changes on a weekly basis. To eat healthier, stay fit, spend more time with family, improve our relationships...funny how the beginning of the year is the only time people actually try to make these commitments. Then, the resolution flops and we feel as though the whole years is in the pits.

Think positive throughout the year, enjoy family, friends by your side and love in your heart. Add some laughter on the side and you're good to go.  :)

Birthday Grump

So I realized this year, that I always get a bit grumpy the week before my birthday. I'm not sure why. I don't feel like I care about getting older. I've never been the type of person to dread my birthday.

Maybe it's all the birthday attention. Don't get me wrong, I like attention, just not all of it. The second reason, could be the birthday song. That song makes me angry, I can't help it, especially when it's sung to me. I feel like it's so gay and childish. Sure, I sing to kids when the cake comes out all lit up with colorful candles. But I turned 32 this year. Not old - not young. 32.

Next year, I plan to tell people that 33 is the cut off for that damn song. No more! Just give me cake. If you must add candles that's fine. But no singing! I don't even need gifts anymore. Just friends and family. Ok, maybe I need at least one gift. One gift, friends, family and I'm good to run full speed into the next year.

Petting Zoo

After weeks of teaching Calleigh animal sounds, I took her to a petting zoo. I didn't think of it until I saw this happening. But it was amazing to see her put the sounds I taught her, together with the real animals. Kids are just so smart and learn so fast!

Even thought she was excited to be there (what kid wouldn't be excited about a huge open space?!!), she was a bit nervous when the animals would approach her. She ran after them, but as soon as they turned to come towards her, she had her guard up...in the form of fists tucked into her chest.

Mistakes - Sorry 1st Child, They're Coming Your Way

Baby girl woke up today and greeted me with orange goop all over her and her bed this morning. Ahh motherhood. This is what it's all about.

This is the second time in two weeks that she has gotten sick. Last time, I learned some valuable lessons.
1) If child doesn't want to eat - take baby steps and feed them bland things like bread, crackers and flat gingerale. Applesauce will not b your friend 20 minutes later.

2) The day after severe sickness - do not feed child dairy products even though child appears better. yogurt and milk will unexpectedly catch up with you.

3) Do not take child on an outting. Assuming child is better because it hasn't evacuated it's stomach in a few hours is a big NO. This is how you end up frantically changing said child in a store and trying to get an employee to come clean up the sour/half digested milk your child has spewed onto the carpet. (yeah, the store was carpeted - Jysk should rethink flooring options).

This time around, I cancelled all plans and fed her rice crackers AND gravol. Thanks God for gravol!

Packing on the pounds

Before I was pregnant, I was exercising and losing weight. I felt great! But exercise came so much easier then...when I didn't have a 1 year old chasing after me. (I say chasing after me - because, since she learned to walk, that happens more often than me, chasing after her).

Now that it's been 15 months since I gave birth to Calleigh, reality is setting in. This is about the time when a mother starts feeling lumpy and dumpy. My daughter is all about skin. I'm guessing it's just her comfort thing. But she always has her hand/arm in my shirt. This makes for a lot of stretched collars accompanied by food stains, baby finger prints and drool smears. Some days I feel like a bum. Sloppy, unkempt and lumpy.

After she was born, my weight proceeded to melt off over the next 4 months. Then I went back to my old eating habits, and BAM - I gained a little unwanted weight. But, instead of being a Debbie-downer about it, I keep reminding myself that no one forced me to eat all that chocolate, cookies, chips and other horrible things for my body. I did that on my own and if I am unhappy with my weight, I've got to take responsibility for my actions and do something about it.

When you're a mom, you can either give up on doing things for yourself OR work around your child. So, I have started exercising immediately after I put my sweet baby to bed. Then, I work on some graphics jobs and crawl into bed around midnight. This might not be great for some people, but it works for me.

So, if you are struggling with something, and thinking about it just stresses you out to the point where you feel like you should just give up - think about how important it really is to you. Could you live without it? Is it vital to your sanity that you resolve it? People may think I'm crazy for asking myself questions. But that is exactly what I do. Sometimes out loud. It doesn't make me crazy. It makes me capable of handling what comes at me.

Juggling My Life

I wish I could say settling into my new role as Mommy has been easy, but who's life is easy?!! Things wouldn't be interesting without bumps in the road. Not that my beautiful daughter is a bump in my road - but she certainly makes things interesting.

That old saying "hindsight is 20/20" makes a lot more sense to me now. I remember hearing that expression as a child and thinking "what language is that?" and passing it off as something that meant nothing. Just something people said to fill space. Well, it didn't mean anything then, but now - now I see what the fuss was/is all about. Looking forward to what my life may be like is definitely easier than looking back and seeing what I could have done better, prepared for...or just left out completely.

When my daughter was 11.5 months old, I went back to work. Before her, I was employed full-time, paid by salary and had way more time and money to "play with". Now, I work part-time, am self employed and we are scraping by. It has taken some adjusting. I was kind of pushed into being self employed...but it was a good thing. Something I would have struggled to do on my own.

I find my day to day thinking is centered around when my daughter will nap so I can get some work done. Mommy life is a little tougher than I thought it would be. Apart from the bad nights, where our little one wakes up a lot and I get frustrated easily with tiredness and a few profanities, I think I'm a good mom.There are always things we feel we could have done better, but what's the sense in dwelling on them? Just acknowledge the room for improvement and try to learn how to adjust your thinking/actions accordingly.

Life will always be a juggling act, even more now that I have a child. But it is a welcome activity. In order to live and grow, we need to accept that things change, sometimes for the worse and sometimes for the better. But living life day to day is the only way to live for me. Otherwise, I might get caught up in larger than life struggles and give up all together.

Sit back, relax, enjoy the people in your life and when you are faced with one of life's many bumps along the way, try to break it up and deal with it in pieces so it doesn't overwhelm you. You'll breathe easier and sleep better...unless you have a baby waking you up every couple hours at night.  :P

Happy Birthday!

I have really come to enjoy creating birthday cakes for the people in my life. But, the reason I took an interest in doing so, has everything to do with great childhood memories. To put it simply, I will never forget the fantastic cakes my aunty and mom made for my siblings and I as we grew up. The fond memories inspired me to make birthday cakes, so that one day, I could create the same memories for my child.

On February 11th, 2012, I was able to make that small dream come true. Although Calleigh wont remember her ladybug cake, it is a stepping stone to creating even better cakes in the coming years.

Below: Calleigh's ladybug cake - Cole's train cake - Isabel & Sophia's barbie cake.
Decorated with butter-cream icing and marshmallow fondant...and one Barbie. :P

Oh Yeah, I Have a Blog

Life has been crazy, fun, exhausting, trying, stressful and joyful this past year. A roller coaster ride as some might call it.

I have been so busy getting used to life as a mom, I totally forgot about this blog. I guess this doesn't matter. This page is just a means of keeping my sanity really. And my sanity has almost run dry, so it's about time I start blogging again.

I imagine that most of my posts will be about my beautiful daughter - but I will try and mix it up a little with work (oh yeah, I went back) and other things in this crazy life of mine.

Wheelchair Madness

I was courteous when I saw that 2 wheelchairs were about to get on the bus. I got up, pulled the seats up to make room for them and then moved my stroller as far out of the way as possible. Little did I know I'd be listening to the lady complain for 40 minutes about things that were out of my control. What I did control though, was my temper. I was proud of myself...but another part of me feels like I should have just punched her.

Here's what she complained about:
1) The priority seats were made for wheelchairs not strollers. The petition that allowed mother's with infants to have the right to the same priority seating as people in wheelchairs is unfair.
2) All strollers on the bus should be folded up. (Yeah, maybe when you have a small stroller with a toddler init. But not an infant and a car seat attachment)
3) She kept sliding out of her wheelchair because she was unsafe. (Unsafe isn't the word I would use. Maybe if she'd stop eating babies, she would fit in her wheelchair)
4) Transit should make seats for carseats in the back of the bus. (Moron)
5) People with strollers don't want people in wheelchairs on the bus. (I had no problem with it, until this encounter)
6) She carried everything when she had kids, why can't mother's do that nowadays. (Because it's not 1950 dillhole)
7) Handi-Transit wasn't an option because it is for seniors. (Bullshit - I looked it up when I got home...she's just lazy)

I think she was just milking her disability. I understand that she needed room on the bus, and I tried my best. But it was cramped. When I take the bus, I know it may be uncomfortable and packed...but I just sick it up. This lady obviously didn't know how to do that.

It made me so angry that she expected me to fold up my stroller. If I had done that I wouldn't have been able to carry everything I had. Stroller, car seat with my child in it, diaper bag and my purse. When she gets a little older and can walk...then yes, but not now. The whole time she kept calling mom's with strollers "you people". I don't know what it is about those two words...but that made me even angrier.

Bottom line is - if you would like people to be sensitive to your needs, be sensitive to theirs. Don't repeatedly complain about things that are out of your control. You'll just piss the people off around you to the point that they would feel happy beating you just so you shut the fuck up.

Pregnancy - Tidbits People Don't Talk About

When my husband and I first decided to start "trying" (ha ha, I always found it funny when we used this word in place of procreate, reproduce, copulate...), I really didn't know what pregnancy would be like. To put it plainly, I just knew I was going to gain weight, have great hair, feel uncomfortable, have trouble sleeping, endure pain at the end during labour...and bring home an addition to our family. I figured I would just take it as it came. Like I try to in most situations in life.

Aside from being very ill one day (before I knew I was pregnant), after I had a couple glasses of wine the previous night, I had hardly any side effects. Well, at least when you compare with other peoples' pregnancies. At 4 months along, I started to feel acid reflux coming on and I couldn't drink hot beverages because they made me nauseous. What I didn't see coming was emotional retardation. This is a side effect of pregnancy that no one really goes into detail about. For me, not being able to control my emotions is the worst thing. I was not myself at all. When a pregnant woman says "it's the hormones talking", she is not just finding something to blame. She's being honest.

Thankfully, emotional retardation only lasted 2 weeks. After that, I just had to get over being embarrassed that I said things that were out of my control.

Then, there's the H word...haemorrhoids. I really don't think this needs explanation. Although, I would like to point out that when you push out a baby...these also get pushed out. Thankfully...you can't feel them for at least 4 weeks after delivery.

The last thing that took me by surprise was post-partum hair loss. I knew I'd lose hair...but I had no idea how much. It was everywhere. Normally when you have long hair it finds it's way around the vacuum cleaner brush, in the dishwater, in the occasional meal and in tufts under the bed. At the peak of post-partum hair loss, there was not an inch of floor spared...we found it in ice cubes, weaved into clothing, clogging every drain, in the toilet and when I finally found a piece in my daughter's diaper I began wearing a ponytail to restrain it.

But when it comes down to it, this little girl was worth it. She is beautiful and truly one of God's gifts to us in this harsh world.

Middle Finger Photo Opps

When you have a baby, you tend to take a lot of photos. We already have so many and Calleigh is only 3 months old. Upon trying to catch that gorgeous smile or crazy facial expression...I have caught her middle finger creep up in the cutest of poses.

The one finger salute, the bird and flipping off are all short terms to explain the usage of said finger. The gesture may be of Roman, Greek or Mediterranean origin. In Rome it was used as an insult and in the Mediterranean world, it was used to divert the threat of the evil eye.

The origin of using the Digitus Impudicus (indecent finger) is not known for certain. But, it is a gesture meant to belittle another. Making them ones sexual inferior.

It's ridiculous really. Every man and woman knows what this finger gesture means. If we have a clear line of sight, we can deliver this message to anyone and everyone. And my child has discovered it much too early.

Cake Cake Cake

As a child, I always appreciated the cakes my Mom and Aunty would make for birthdays. And as I grew older, and thought of having my own family someday...I hoped I could make those same memories for my children.

So, over the last few years I have made a few cakes. Some decorated with icing and some with marshmallow fondant. I have gotten pretty good at putting cakes together for birthdays. And recently, I got the chance to make one for a baby shower.

Since this baby shower was for one of my closest friends, I enjoyed making this cake even more. I was especially happy when the baby arrived at the shower wearing a shirt with a similar design on it. What are the odds?!

Baby Shower Fun

My close friend recently had a baby, so I decided to plan a baby shower for her. I wanted it to be a little funny...not just your average Baby Shower. So I planned a game that I thought would guarantee a laugh from most people in attendance.

Pin The Sperm On The Egg
This is basically
"pin the tail on the donkey",
but altered to be the perfect
baby shower game.

It went over pretty well. Most people got up to try it out.

Broken Family History

I come from a divorced family. Essentially this means my family is broken. When I was 13 and my siblings even younger, Mom sat down to inform us of the changes happening in our household. The major one being that Dad would no longer be living with us. After so many years of hearing "it'll be okay" from my parents on different occasions...Mom was saying that our household was broken and unfix able.

It has been many years since this happened. Yet this brokenness has come back to bite me in the ass a few times. Like a publicly known skeleton in our closet. It comes out to show it's ugly head during the most important times in our lives.

For instance, on my wedding day. I wasn't nervous about the new life I was starting...I was nervous about my parents and their significant others being in the same place at one time.

The latest, was with the birth of my daughter. Both my parents are dating/living with a significant other. The thought had crossed my mind about the "grandpa" and "grandma" titles. But I don't quite feel comfortable having my daughter apply the new additions to my parents' lives these family titles. This is nothing against the people in question. This is that 13 year old girl in me crying out. Begging me to hold on. Except I don't know what I'm holding onto. I have no illusions of my parents reconciling. They aren't even on speaking terms.

Is this right or wrong? Who is to say? Who makes the adjusted rules for broken, then somewhat mended family's? Life is so hard already, I don't need this frustration. But it is here...and I have to make a decision.

It's times like these when I remember the days when I would say "I want to be a hermit or a truck driver when I grow up". Just so I could have less human interaction. I really hate dealing with people sometimes...they just make things so complicated when they don't need to be.

The significant others in this case need to be sensitive of the skeleton in our closet. But I have yet to see this happen. I am not even sure both my parents understand my frustration. They are, after all, experiencing a different side of this whole situation.

Espresso Pooper

This baby just doesn't know how to keep it in her diaper. Some days I don't know why I bother dressing her. Almost every day she poops all over the first outfit I dress her in. What a baby!

From across our 2 bedroom apartment I can hear her fill her pants. Today I was sitting with her and she rumbled in my lap. As she pushed I could see her onsie puff up on her back. Poop all the way to her ear. I find myself wondering, "is this normal?" I'm not going to complain though. She doesn't spit up or puke much...so we're lucky. It also helps that she sleeps 7-9 hours straight a night. What a blessing she is...so happy I can have a great night sleep so I can enjoy my maternity leave taking care of this cute little babe of mine.

Dogs - Oh How I Dislike Them

For some reason, I have always despised dogs. Growing up, the only pets I really had were goldfish...oh, and a kitten for about a month. I had to give the kitten away once my Mom discovered it in my room.

Some people treat dogs like they are people. Well I have news for them. THEY ARE DOGS. No, a dog doesn't need its own seat at the dinner table. No, a dog doesn't need to wear a sweater when there's a chill in the air. No, a dog doesn't need to share your ice cream...and no, it's not ok to have your dog lick your face.

I guess I just don't understand that bond people have with a family dog.

That last one really gets me. It's so gross it makes me gag. These people never stop to think about where that tongue has been. Forgetting that a dog licks its ass with it. GROSS! I look away when a dog is about to lick someone's face...just like I look away when homosexuals kiss. It's just not a natural thing to me (if you don't like this statement, complain about mine on your own blog). Therefore, I do not want to see it. 9 times out of 10, the dogs' tongue ends up licking their teeth too. Come on people...if you need your teeth cleaned, try a toothbrush. You'll get less hair in your mouth.

Recovery

Calleigh is now 5 weeks old and we're both doing great. I almost feel back to normal. I had gained 40lbs during my pregnancy and I am already 40lbs lighter. Crazy!! I guess it helps when you have a big baby. Nursing has also helped my body heal.

This beautiful baby girl of ours is so healthy and strong. She amazes us on a daily basis. I waited so long to be a mom and I love it.

No...I don't miss work or my coworkers at all.

I enjoyed designing my own baby announcement and am thinking about what I will do once this year is done and I have a 1 year old running around the apartment. I will work my old job part-time from home...and I am thinking about starting up a website so I can design baby announcements, birthday invites and other printed materials. I love designing...and I have a year to improve on what I already know.