Miscarriage

I've recently rediscovered my blog and came across this entry that I had never published. I have always talked things through in order to understand them. I feel it is important. It's my coping mechanism. Before you read through my thoughts from a week after miscarrying, know that it was rough of course, the sorrow dragged on and I went through the steps of grief. I knew what they were and as hard as it was, I let myself run through each one. The following January I was pregnant for the 3rd time. This pregnancy terrified me. I was scared of the horror story happening again, but 9 months later I gave birth to another beautiful healthy girl!

Thoughts from August 2013:
I am trying to make sense of it all. Why it had to be so dramatic...I guess I should be thankful that it was a one-day thing and didn't drag on. I just can't seem to get the images out of my head.

This is a subject that people don't talk about. But talking through situations and often laughing about them help me get through. I am a control freak...if you know me, this isn't a surprise...and I am yearning to get back to my normal, everyday life. I don't want to forget this happened but move on.

I was in my 11th or 12th week of pregnancy that week. Had just bought some maternity clothes and began to accept that in 6 months I would be holding my second child. From under the pile of stress I had been feeling I tried really hard to be excited about my pregnancy. We had been trying but it was a little bit of a shock thinking about raising two at once. Something I was trying to prepare my mind for.

One evening I began spotting. At first it was very little but got heavier. That night I had trouble falling asleep because of cramping, and when I awoke at 7am, I took a walk to the bathroom. When I sat down, a flow of something abnormal rushed out. It startled me...and then my 2 year old daughter opened the door. I was flustered, trying to make sense of what just happened and then realizing I needed to compose myself so I could minimize the trauma to my child. She asked in a sweet little voice "you okay mommy?". What was even more alarming was the fact that my pajamas were wet. We removed the black sheet from our bed and found a blood soak.

The drive to the hospital seemed like forever. My husband was so out of sorts that he went the wrong way and we drove an extra 10 minutes. Exiting the vehicle was not clean. As I walked into the ER I felt another gush...5 steps later...another...My pants felt like a balloon ready to pop...and the thought crossed my mind that my baby...could be in them.

I can't imagine my husbands thoughts as he followed the blood trail to find me. At this moment I was in a bathroom traumatized again by what I was seeing. My blood...everywhere. I mean, I really fucked that bathroom up. Hamburger sized clots. Me, in shock, trying to clean it up so no one saw it. It was impossible. I had to ask the nurse for a pair of pants. At this point my mind started to double check itself. I began to process things in my usual way. Even thinking funny thoughts at times. This may seem weird, but this is how I handle life's crazy times. And this was some horrific-crazy happening. Nothing this life changing had ever happened to me before.

Over the next few hours I would see many doctors, nurses and specialists. The confirmation that this was in fact what I thought came and I shed a tear or two. I knew what was happening and I knew there wasn't anything I could do to change the outcome. I had a D&C. This was another level of shock. I came in pregnant and left empty. Literally.

Now, a week later I look down at my empty, pregnant looking belly. Angry that it's still here, as if it would be gone a week after the fact. I've got a lot of healing to do. And I'm not sure how the next few weeks will be. I feel okay most of the time, but every night when I try to fall asleep and the apartment is quiet, my mind wanders to all the what ifs. This is when it's the most difficult.

Losing an unborn child is so many horrible things, but I now use this as a learning experience for my beautiful girls. Not a learning experience that They are reaping the benefits of now, but later in life. I hope. I've talked to them about the baby Mommy lost between them. They know what is age appropriate for them. I want them to be the type of people that can talk about these things. That a friend can come to, to talk about the tough stuff. Talking helps many people let go of the restless, heavy inner burdens that come with hardships.

I don't mourn the loss anymore. It did change me though. I am not as fearless. I often think about how this event seemed to take something from me. That fact saddens me more than anything. I never found out anything more about this lost baby, but I find comfort in knowing that our second daughter is meant to be in this world. Now it is just a past event. A life experience. Life throws us so many things. Sometimes we walk into them, and other times they hit us like a truck. What matters is how we move froward.

We'll be Doing Things Differently Next Time

My sister lives far away, so I had this great idea to rent a photo studio and get a friend to snap some family photos. An awesome idea...but didn't turn out like I had hoped.

Downtown Winnipeg has some great places to enjoy. But the place we rented for photo space was not at all what I had expected.

I surfed the web to find options for studio rentals and found what I thought would be a great space. Level 3 Studios. Online, it appears to be fantastic! For $100, we had the space for up to 4 hours.

When I arrived, the place was filthy. Like really filthy. There is a sign that asks that we leave all outdoor shoes at the door. I did this...then I put them back on after 5 minutes crusted my socks with dirt. The beautiful couches they displayed on their website were white in the photos...but were no longer anywhere near white in person. All they need is a good cleaning...really...but we weren't about to sit on them. The one useable space was a white floor/wall. The floor was so dirty, that we have to cut that out of all our photos. This is quite disappointing.

The good things about the studio? We were let in on time, had the use of two photo lights and had our privacy.

Despite the cons, we did manage to make the space work. Got some great shots of our family! But, I definitely caution anyone who wishes to rent the 3rd floor of the studio. Bring cleaning supplies...and expect to do a lot of photo editing.

Every Child Is Special - Mine Is Extra Special

I bet you think I'm going to go on and on about how precious my daughter is. How she's the most beautiful little girl...well, she is...but that's not what this post is about.

Since Calleigh was 5 months old, she has put her hands in my armpits for comfort. Yeah! I know. Weird!! She is turning 2 tomorrow and as I type, she is digging in my pit. Some days I don't mind...but sometimes it drives me nuts!!

I've had to adjust things a bit. Like waiting until just before we leave to apply deodorant. There's been a few times where she's had her hand in my pit and then put her hand in my Husbands' mouth. It's funny for me...not so much for him.

I'm not sure how to get her to stop this. It seems like she does it more when she's got her soother in. So, my only idea here, is doing away with the soother. If you're a parent who relies on a soother at times, you know how difficult it is to part with. For the child and the parents!

When we've been out shopping, walking and playing, I have never seen another child with their hands in their moms' pits. What is this? Is it me? Is this just my daughters' "thing"? Man is she going to be embarrassed when this is what I remember most about her growing up! Although, the things I am remembered for as a child are far more irritating to hear about. Mostly destruction of many, many different things.

New Years - Meh

I've never been big on partying for New Years. I realize it's the end of a year and the start of a new one, but I feel like some people just use it as an excuse to lose themselves in alcohol and nurse themselves back to health the first day of the year.

Now that we have a child, New Years seems to be even less important to me. We were excited when we had our daughter because it was the start of a new beginning for us. The journey of parenthood. Other life occurrences bring on excitement as well, graduation, marriage, birthdays...but they are something to be celebrated. New Years just doesn't feel the same as other special moments in our lifetime.

Yeah sure, I get that it's the start of a new year. A time where people make unreachable resolutions, just so 90% of them can make the same one again the next year. I laugh at these people. New Years isn't the time to do this. We need to make life changes on a weekly basis. To eat healthier, stay fit, spend more time with family, improve our relationships...funny how the beginning of the year is the only time people actually try to make these commitments. Then, the resolution flops and we feel as though the whole years is in the pits.

Think positive throughout the year, enjoy family, friends by your side and love in your heart. Add some laughter on the side and you're good to go.  :)

Birthday Grump

So I realized this year, that I always get a bit grumpy the week before my birthday. I'm not sure why. I don't feel like I care about getting older. I've never been the type of person to dread my birthday.

Maybe it's all the birthday attention. Don't get me wrong, I like attention, just not all of it. The second reason, could be the birthday song. That song makes me angry, I can't help it, especially when it's sung to me. I feel like it's so gay and childish. Sure, I sing to kids when the cake comes out all lit up with colorful candles. But I turned 32 this year. Not old - not young. 32.

Next year, I plan to tell people that 33 is the cut off for that damn song. No more! Just give me cake. If you must add candles that's fine. But no singing! I don't even need gifts anymore. Just friends and family. Ok, maybe I need at least one gift. One gift, friends, family and I'm good to run full speed into the next year.

Petting Zoo

After weeks of teaching Calleigh animal sounds, I took her to a petting zoo. I didn't think of it until I saw this happening. But it was amazing to see her put the sounds I taught her, together with the real animals. Kids are just so smart and learn so fast!

Even thought she was excited to be there (what kid wouldn't be excited about a huge open space?!!), she was a bit nervous when the animals would approach her. She ran after them, but as soon as they turned to come towards her, she had her guard up...in the form of fists tucked into her chest.

Mistakes - Sorry 1st Child, They're Coming Your Way

Baby girl woke up today and greeted me with orange goop all over her and her bed this morning. Ahh motherhood. This is what it's all about.

This is the second time in two weeks that she has gotten sick. Last time, I learned some valuable lessons.
1) If child doesn't want to eat - take baby steps and feed them bland things like bread, crackers and flat gingerale. Applesauce will not b your friend 20 minutes later.

2) The day after severe sickness - do not feed child dairy products even though child appears better. yogurt and milk will unexpectedly catch up with you.

3) Do not take child on an outting. Assuming child is better because it hasn't evacuated it's stomach in a few hours is a big NO. This is how you end up frantically changing said child in a store and trying to get an employee to come clean up the sour/half digested milk your child has spewed onto the carpet. (yeah, the store was carpeted - Jysk should rethink flooring options).

This time around, I cancelled all plans and fed her rice crackers AND gravol. Thanks God for gravol!